The entire, edited, transcript from The Homeschooler’s Chat’s Mental Health event from September, 2024, hosted by Anne.
All tips, opinions, and advice are either read from the linked articles below – which HSRC has no affiliation with – or are purely personal thoughts and should in no way be regarded as medical advice. The Homeschooler’s Chat does not claim any rights to the content of the articles referenced below.
This transcript has been edited for context and clarity, omitting conversational details, user information, and non-essential banter. Check out the full list of resources from this event to view sources and more.
Table of contents
- Table of contents
- Introduction
- How to be honest about how you’re feeling
- What if someone tries to use your feelings against you?
- Does “your feelings are not facts” mean someone doesn’t care about you?
- How to be honest with a medical professional
- What about the fear of being judged by your therapist?
- What if your parents don’t want you to see a therapist?
- What if your parents get mad at you?
- Can parents get in trouble for not getting you help?
- Boundaries
- How do you handle somebody refusing to respect your boundaries?
- How to handle burnout
- Being sad around the holidays
- Ways to document your feelings
- Identifying your emotions
- Excitement VS. Anxiety
- Being aware of your emotions matters
- Stepping out of your comfort zone
- Talking to your parent(s) or guardian about your mental health
- Dealing with dysphoria
- Supporting someone who has gone through a traumatic event
- How do you know when you’re in the right place mentally to help someone else?
- Setting boundaries with clingy people
- More mental health resources
Introduction
I want to remind everybody, we’re not going to be talking about anything super heavy, anything that’s going to be a typical kind of trigger for anybody who has mental health difficulties. So we’ll be steering clear of anything super stressful.
A lot of these websites have way more to offer than what I’ve linked. Sometimes it’s just a post about the particular topic, but I would really encourage y’all to explore these websites. I found them really helpful. A couple of them are more casual, but a lot of them address really essential mental health care things in a really candid way and made me feel motivated when I was reading it and more comfortable talking about my own stuff. So definitely dive into these websites anytime you need a resource. I’ll be putting these on our main mental health resource page.
And I really, really wanted to emphasize that the National Alliance on Mental Illness‘ website, you can search with keywords for anything in particular that you’re struggling with. They might not have something exactly for what you’re talking about, but I found the search function awesome. So that’s at the bottom of this post as well.
I also want to address the Crisis Text Line. Reading those words, I know everyone’s first thought is, “okay, so this is for emergencies”. You can contact the crisis text line if you’re having trouble dealing with anxiety, feeling unsafe at home, etc. I highly, highly encourage you to utilize these types of resources. Please note: these are not a replacement for therapy.
How to be honest about how you’re feeling
We’re gonna start with how to be honest about how you’re feeling and using “I feel ___” statements. This is something I feel so strongly about. Whether you’ve been to therapy or not, you might be familiar with this concept, but as someone who has been to therapy for a very long time, this was one of the first things I learned that really stuck with me.
When to use I-statements
So this is for when you are having any kind of situation where communication is difficult. It could be an argument, it could be setting boundaries, it could be talking with a friend, just about anything. Even if you’re not confronting somebody, even if you’re talking about another situation, you can use “I feel ___” statements.
I-statements vs. You-statements
And as this article explains, a “you” statement, is something that you’re saying about someone else, would sound like, “you never clean up after yourself.” But in contrast, an “I feel ___” statement or an “I-statement” on this little section right here says, I feel stressed out when the house is so disorganized.
What I-statements achieve
My really quick summary of how this system works, how this concept functions, is that you are not only removing the blame from the other person to an appropriate degree, we’re all responsible for our actions, but there is a certain amount that we can remove that responsibility of our statement on others, right
So you’re saying, “this is how I feel when this happens,” rather than “you’re not doing this and that makes me mad.” You can say, “I feel upset when you do this,” or “when you don’t do this,” which makes it about your feelings rather than the other person’s feelings.
Why You-statements can be complicated
If somebody says to you, “man, you make me really mad when you don’t text me back,” that feels like they’re saying, “you suck, you don’t text me back, I hate you.” But if they say, “I feel worried about you when I don’t hear from you for a few hours,” that opens up a discussion where you can say, “you know, I understand why you might feel stressed not hearing from me. I appreciate that you care about me. Here is what you can expect moving forward.”
And that works the other way as well. You can explain this to people you’re trying to communicate with. You can use this secretly, which I do all of the time. I love to use this incognito. So I use a lot of “I feel ___” statements without people knowing I’m doing it. I’m really fly about it. So I highly recommend this.
Why it works
It works great, particularly because it respects everybody’s feelings. You’re not saying anything that people can disagree with, you know, because you say, “hey I feel this way,” or someone else says, “hey I feel this way,” and what are you going to do? Say, “no you don’t”? Someone can say “that’s stupid,” but it doesn’t make sense to respond that way. By using “I feel ___” statements you are encouraging the conversation to move forward rather than become defensive.
What if someone tries to use your feelings against you?
Circle of influence.
There is what we can control and what we can’t control. We can control how we communicate, and people may respond negatively to that. This form of communication gives others the opportunity to be their best self and do the right thing.
Where the responsibility lies
If they try to use your feelings against you, I mean, I’ve had that happen myself and it really sucks. But, ultimately that leaves the responsibility with them. You can leave that situation knowing, you know, “I did everything I could and I made the right choice” and think, “I did my best communication and this person just didn’t vibe with it,” or they, you know, didn’t respond correctly.
Acceptance
Sometimes we have to accept that things go like that, which I know is not much comfort in your personal feelings about that. But it’s something that I’ve had to come to terms with a lot: “I cannot make other people be reasonable just because I’m being reasonable.” So, sometimes it’s a waiting game.
Patience
You know, you might have these experiences where you communicate correctly with somebody and they do not bring that same energy and you just kind of have to wait it out and hope maybe things change and if not, you can always you know set those boundaries I mean that’s harder with family, especially when you live with other family members, but looking forward into adult life, these are great skills to have, especially for relationships that you can control.
Coping and healing
While it really sucks, it’s I mean, people will be people, you know, it’s hard. It’s so hard to let go when things like that happen. But I know some people really hate to hear the whole “take a deep breath” or “try meditation” thing. But for me personally, when that happens, I mean, I’m really upset in the moment. I’m stressed. I feel kind of trapped and attacked. And also, if I remember to take a breath through my nose, exit the situation, even if that’s temporarily going for a walk, going outside, going to your own space, putting headphones on. I mean, there’s a certain amount that we can do to help ourselves heal from these situations and continue to do our best.
Does “your feelings are not facts” mean someone doesn’t care about you?
Understanding this misconception
When someone tells you that your feelings are not a fact, I can’t speak for others, but my immediate thought reading that is that the person saying this doesn’t have a healthy grasp of how our feelings impact our lives, not just for us, but also the people around us. If somebody is telling you, well, those are your feelings, not facts, I mean, in a sense, they’re wrong. In a very real sense, they’re wrong because it is a fact that you are feeling the way you are.
Your validity is not determined by someone’s opinion
If, for example, you say, “you know, well, I feel scared when I go to the dentist because I feel like something bad is going to happen to me.” They could say, “well, the fact is that nothing bad will happen to you.” But they cannot reasonably say you don’t feel that way or that your feelings don’t matter.
Taking context into account
So your question being, does that mean they don’t care about your feelings? I think it depends on the person. If this were coming from a parental figure, for example, I would be inclined to say that maybe they were not taught a healthy way to deal with emotions. And they might have more of, and I’m not a doctor whatsoever, everything I’m saying is my opinion, but they might have some personal issues that cause them to dismiss their own emotions and thus dismiss a child’s emotions or something like that.
How to respond
If this is coming from a friend or a peer, depending on age range, it could be a similar situation where, you know, they’ve not been taught healthy stuff, which is sucks and happens a lot. But really, people should be responding with empathy. If you say “I feel something,” and they say, “that’s not a fact,” you can just say, “yes, it is.” I mean, that is how you feel.
Acceptance
People can care about you and make these mistakes at the same time. And the best thing we can do is try to share as much information as we can.
How to be honest with a medical professional
In the interest of bringing full authenticity to this event, I do want to say as a teenager, seeing my therapist was very scary at the beginning. And I fibbed.
I did not lie to get, you know, any kind of special treatment. It was the opposite, where I was afraid, “I’m going into the situation that people with real problems go into. Who do I think I am saying that I feel anxious when I leave my house. What? That’s not real. What am I talking about?”
Always be honest when you can
Guys, do not be like me. Don’t do it. You should always, always be honest with your trusted medical professional about how you’re feeling. As long as you feel safe with a medical professional, as long as it’s safe for you to do so, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to be honest. Because by not being honest, we’re not allowing ourselves the opportunity to find out if what we’re experiencing is real or true or authentic, you know?
The “what if I’m faking” fear
This is the most common thing I hear from people who are struggling with any kind of mental health or emotional difficulty. For example, “I feel like if I say I have anxiety, maybe I’m over-inflating it or I’m making it up or maybe I’ll get diagnosed with something that I don’t really have,” and all of that stuff. If you’re feeling anxious about mentioning your struggle, that in itself is something to be addressed.
You can experience symptoms without having a major condition
You don’t have to definitely have an anxiety disorder to feel anxious. You don’t have to have a depression-related disorder to feel depressed. Those are all things we can experience regardless of whether we have a condition or not. So being honest with your therapist about, you know, “I feel anxious, I feel scared of this thing, I have this problem, I don’t love my body,” or anything like that doesn’t mean you’re forcing them to diagnose you with something or anything.
Seriously, what if I’m faking?
Now, as far as making stuff up, if you feel like, you know, “what if I make it up” or “what if they think I’m making it up,” that in itself is a mental health problem. And that’s not to say that it’s bad to have that problem in any way. We’re not here to shame anybody. But if your brain were making up these problems in some way, which so much of the time it’s not, but if your brain were doing that to you, that would still need care. That would still need help and still need treatment. So by being honest with your mental health care provider, you are doing the right thing for yourself and for them because they can’t help you if they don’t know.
The effort it takes to be “faking”
If you like the true crime things or any kind of crime fiction, you’ve probably heard of Munchausen syndrome. If you look into the lengths people with this disorder have to go to- people who have a very real disorder that causes them to do these things – it’s overwhelming. There are so many steps. In some cases you would have to falsify real life incidents. You would have to be intentionally faking things. You would have to be writing things down, sometimes getting diagnosed with things or falsifying medical records. I mean, unless you are amazing at sleepwalking and somehow doing all of these things subconsciously, I promise you’re not making it up. So please, please, please always be honest.
Okay, with that out of the way, let’s start with preparing ahead of your visit.
Prepare your questions. Seriously, anytime you think, “maybe I should bring this up with a doctor,” do it. Write it down. Have a note in your phone or on a piece of paper or however you take notes. Write it on your arm. Whatever you need to do. Prepare your questions is a great one because you can tell them, hey, “I felt this way, I had this concern, blah, blah, blah.” And as a medical professional, they might be able to tell you, oh, well, A and B are related and C is not, which is really great.
Your list of medications
For number three, we’ve got preparing a list of your medications. Super easy. If you take any medications, be sure to let them know because a lot of times you can have side effects from medications you wouldn’t even expect to have side effects from. I mean, sometimes vitamins can give you side effects that feel like depression or something. Again, I’m not a doctor, so take that with a grain of salt, but that’s what I’ve read. It’s just crazy.
Family medical history
Even if a family member doesn’t have a diagnosis, if, for example, you have a parent who shows a lot of anger issues or you have a cousin who struggles with depression-like symptoms or something like that, that’s worth bringing up with your doctor. Especially so if your doctor says something along the lines of, “it sounds like you might have something going on based on what you’ve told me.” Dive into that.
How long does it take to share your information with a doctor for the first time?
It can take several visits sometimes. And if that’s accessible to you, go for it. Don’t feel like you’re an inconvenience. Your doctor is your employee, you know, so you hire them whenever you need to. As long as you can, you should go for it.
Understanding the stakes
Sometimes mental health difficulties can be temporary. So you’re not like “dooming” yourself to any kind of eternal diagnosis by talking about these things either. A lot of mental health conditions are chronic, but you can also go through periods of depression or anxiety or anything like that temporarily. Or it could be recurring and whatnot. It’s different for everybody. Sometimes you can experience both.
Potential symptoms to mention
Okay, so symptoms of mental illness here are not always things you would necessarily expect. So some things listed in the article we’re looking at are a lot of sad or anxious or empty moods, feelings of hopelessness or pessimism, irritability, feelings of guilt, decreased energy, moving or talking slowly, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, remembering and making decisions, any kind of appetite difficulties, that doesn’t necessarily have to be related to any kind of eating problem. It can be, but it could also be a symptom of something else.
Aches or pains, headaches, cramps. All of these things are relevant and worth bringing up, and so many things that are not on this list are as well. So basically, if it makes you feel not good, you should mention it.
Honesty (again)
One more thing I wanted to note from here is that your health provider can only help you get better if you have open and honest communication. Which is way easier said – or read – than done. I have to throw my dad jokes in here.
It’s important to remember that discussions between you and your health care provider are private and cannot be shared with anyone without your express permission. I can’t emphasize that enough. This isn’t even like specific to one country.
Research and understand your rights
As far as I’m aware, and I’m not a legal expert, (do not take this as legal advice) I don’t know a whole bunch about international law, but as far as I’m aware, conversations between you and your doctor, unless you say like, “hey, I’m going to murder my neighbor,” you know, unless you say something like that, totally off their rails, it has to be really bad. You can tell your doctor, “hey, I’m having these problems,” and they won’t tell your parents. They won’t tell your partner. They won’t tell anybody.
This input comes from experience
I know that because I’ve been there. I’ve been to the doctor when I was a teenager. I’ve talked with them about my mental health. Very honestly, I told them about some very heavy stuff. They let me know, “there is a limit to what you can tell me that doesn’t make me think this is an urgent situation.” But you can be going through a really hard time and be honest and tell your doctor and nothing will happen except that you will get help. So it has to be really, really bad. And you need to really need urgent help to tell them something that would make them tell somebody else. And even in those cases, it’s probably for the best that you do.
And I say that again, as somebody who’s been in very hard times, it’s usually best to get that help if it’s accessible to you. So if you need to talk to somebody and you need that help, your doctor is someone you can confide in. I mean, even if your doctor kind of sucks, they have an obligation to take care of you as a patient.
What about the fear of being judged by your therapist?
I have a very good relationship with the therapist that I have seen, oh my gosh, I don’t know, a really, really long time. I mean, I’ve had the same therapist for kind of forever. And I struggled a lot with being honest with my therapist because we got to a place where there was such a nice rapport between us. I didn’t want to ruin that by being like, hey, by the way, here are all of my problems. I hope you don’t think negatively about me, you know? So this is something I still struggle with.
Your therapist is a professional
The best way to look at that from what I’ve been telling myself is my therapist has gotten into this job by reading all of these books and all of these studies and all of this information about people who have mental health problems, right?
Your therapist has studied cases like yours
So if you’ve ever taken a psychology class, I know a lot of you have, you’ll probably know even in the introductory psychology stuff, they talked about some kind of like intense things and kind of weird things. I mean again there’s no shame here but sometimes humans are weird you know. So they’re very familiar with these situations with stuff like this and they are able to look at you as not just a person and not a medical case and not a disorder, but the whole you.
Your therapist can separate you from your obstacles
They can look at what is part of who you are, what is your personality, what are you like, what is your brain doing, and then what is happening to you. So, for example, if you tell your therapist, “hey, I was in a meeting and I farted really loudly and it made me feel really anxious because everybody knew that I farted and then I had a panic attack and I went and cried in the bathroom and then when I got home, I just cried all night,” something like that. If your therapist was your friend, they might think, “wow, that’s a big reaction.” But your therapist as a medical professional is going to look at you and go, “wow, that is a reaction that I know from this class I did way back in my freshman year at university. I can help with this.” You know what I mean?
Your therapist is going to look at you as a person, your medical problems, and you as what’s happening to you all separately. And sometimes those are one big lump, and sometimes those are separate aspects.
In summary
Face that fear. It’s easier said than done – as so much of this is, if not all of it – but dive in. I mean, it’s so relieving to be honest when we’re feeling negative stuff and I think you’ll feel a lot of relief about that. And you could even tell your therapist, “I had this fear that you would judge me,” and then they can talk about that with you as well, right? Therapy is your time. Don’t let the brain get between you and therapy. Just start word vomiting. Your therapist is a professional.
What if your parents don’t want you to see a therapist?
Talk to your doctor
The biggest thing you can do to kind of get the ball rolling to get mental health help in a situation like that is having a regular doctor’s appointment and telling your doctor. Like if you go to the doctor and say, “Hey, I have this problem,” you could even tell them, “I feel like my parents don’t want me to see a therapist. Can you help me?” Like, again, even if your doctor kind of sucks, usually they will see you as a patient who needs this care.
Dealing with dismissal
They might try to dismiss you and you can still say, you know, “I need a therapist and I need help” because you even even as a minor, you have a right to lay down the law about yourself. You know, if you’re at the doctor, you have the right as a patient to say this is the care that I need. This is the care that I need to be addressed, you know, and you can do that. Now, if you talk to your doctor about it and your doctor talks to your parents and they still won’t let you go to therapy, that’s a whole different issue.
Making it clear that you need help
It usually, unfortunately, is a case of your parents finally believing that you need help, which can be an extreme point to get to. But honestly, if you need help, I mean, it’s better to cause a problem, if that makes sense. Stay safe, but be vocal when you can. If it gets the ball rolling, let’s go for it.
What if your parents get mad at you?
This is different for everybody. If you’re worried that your parents will get mad at you, again, I really think it’s a matter of sitting down and thinking about it yourself and making the decision for yourself. “Is it worse for my parents to be mad at me or is it worse for me to continue to be in this situation?”
Prioritize your needs
For example, if you’re feeling very depressed and you have been feeling more and more depressed over time, in my opinion, and again, this is where I was, so this is coming from a place of personal experience, not just guessing, it’s better to get the help. Let your parents be mad at you unless you are in an actual situation where you are in physical danger. It’s usually better to get that help because that protects you in the future. That helps you in the future. That helps you deal with your home situation.
Being mad is not the same as being abusive
I’ve had friends who have had to fight to get to therapy. I have friends who were living in abusive environments and their parents hated that they were going to therapy and felt that it wasn’t necessary and didn’t like the therapist who would kind of call them out on their stuff. But at the end of the day, the therapy helped the kid to such an extent that they were able to grow into an adult who could better handle not just personal conflict, but also like situations at work.
Make the safe choice for you
Just think about whether it’s the right choice for you. I won’t say whether it is or not because I don’t know your situation, but really, really think about it and maybe do like a pros and cons list if that works for you. Because if it’s temporary anger from parents versus long term help, that’s something to consider.
Can parents get in trouble for not getting you help?
That is a very good question. I am not a legal professional, but I believe it is a legal issue. Speaking from someone in the U.S., I’m going to say probably not, unless it qualifies under neglect. But it would have to be pretty bad, I think, which is unfortunate because they should get you help. But I think, again, it’s a matter of the legal system nonsense. Do not consider this legal advice. Please do your own research.
Boundaries
Let’s talk about boundaries. This one is a PDF, so I’m not sure if it’ll open correctly for you on mobile. I want to quickly address what boundaries can look like.
Examples of boundaries
That can look like not discussing topics that make you uncomfortable, not accepting any kind of physical contact with somebody you don’t want to have physical contact with, not sharing personal information with even people that you trust, and having a set bedtime.
Let’s review the example conversation in this PDF.
So, once you’re ready to talk about it, you can go ahead and say, you know, “hey, I’ve decided this for myself and I would appreciate you respecting that and following along with that.”
Having boundaries is not rude
And, guys, setting boundaries doesn’t have to be, again, it doesn’t have to be like a fight, you know. It’s not wrong. It’s not offensive. It’s not an argument. You can just say, as I said, you know, “I decided I’m going to go to bed at 9 p.m., so, you know, please don’t expect responses from me after that point.” Boom, done. And if they don’t get it, you can just say it again. And if they still don’t get it and then, you know, they’re not respecting you can just be like, “hey, this is a problem for me.” And then you do what you got to do. You got to lay down the law, guys. It’s your life.
Step three, implementation
You can decide like, for example, here it says, “I will dedicate 30 minutes every day to exercising, but I understand that this may not be possible every day, so I will either lessen the amount of time or come up with an alternative,” you know, if things don’t work out, if that’s too difficult.
There are some other examples here about, you know, how you’re going to start, who you’re going to set those boundaries with. And then also, you know, talk to people about, you know, hey, if it would matter to you to have some quality time with your friends, you can always say, you know, “I would really love if we could do a meetup every week or every month. And that would make me happy. And I’d love that.”
Others’ boundaries
And that can be kind of be similar to a boundary, too, for the other person. I mean, it’s not like you’re not telling them you have to hang out with me or we’re done, but you can say, you know, “it kind of sucks that we don’t hang out and it makes me sad and I would like to hang out with you, but I’d like to figure out what your boundary is with that.” So it’s great to talk with others about their limits as well.
Step four is sustain
So this says, “what’s most important is to remain firm on your boundaries and where your exceptions are. Be kind to yourself and remember why you’re doing this.” If it gets tough, if you get step three and you’re like, “oh my gosh, I can’t implement this anymore. I can’t do it.” Stop and go back to why you started step one and ask yourself, you know, how was this impacting me and has this made it better for me? go back to why you started step one and ask yourself, you know, how was this impacting me and has this made it better for me?
How do you handle somebody refusing to respect your boundaries?
I’m going to give you a real answer, but first I’m going to give you my immediate answer, which is you don’t. You don’t deal with them. You say, that’s it. I’m not doing this anymore. And you don’t. But there are some situations where you have to, or that’s really difficult. And it’s not always the right choice to cut somebody off.
With parents
Let’s talk about how that happens when this is a situation with your parents. If that’s happening with a parent, somebody’s not respecting your boundaries. Honestly, it’s exhausting. But my biggest tip is just keep saying it. I mean, it really is exhausting, and it’s such a chore. But just stand firm.
Stick to your boundaries
Every single time that happens, just be like, “hey, you know this already.” For example, let’s say it’s not using your correct pronouns, “I use she/her pronouns, please do that.” Or, “it makes me uncomfortable when you refer to me as something that I’m not, anything that I’m not. Don’t say that I’m your son when I’m your daughter, or don’t say that I’m this or that, don’t say that I’m going to grow up to be a vet when I’m obviously going to grow up to be an astronaut.” Those are all valid things to talk about. And I would say just keep saying it.
Remember the limits to your control
Again, that comes back to our circle of influence, what we can control versus what we can’t control. And what you can control is self-care, laying down your boundaries, and standing by them. Not letting others change that for you is really the best you can do because sometimes things just suck and people will not care.
In “optional” relationships
If someone refuses to respect these boundaries, if you can, ignore them or don’t associate with them further. I’m saying that over and over again, because you will, both as teenagers and adults, you will have situations where it’s optional, whether you deal with somebody or not when they’re doing this. And sometimes growing up in environments where your boundaries are optional, makes you feel like your boundaries are optional in the relationships you’re choosing to be in with friends, with co-workers, with family, you know.
With siblings
If it’s your siblings and they don’t care about you and they don’t think that your feelings are valid and they feel like you cause problems, the best thing you can do is, again, focus on your circle of influence.
What can you control?
You can control your reaction to that. You can control your own personal boundaries. And you can control your self-care, right? You cannot control how they are going to treat you. You cannot control how other people are going to treat you. You cannot control what other people are going to say or do to you.
How to verbalize your feelings
So you can circle back to our “I feel ___” statements, you know, “I feel upset and sad when you say that my feelings don’t matter.” If they’re being like that, tell them and then try to find your personal space. Again, even if that’s in your head, if you need to put headphones in and pretend that you’re by yourself for a while, it’s worth trying.
How to handle burnout
Okay, so first, what is social burnout? It’s where you feel stressed and anxious and overwhelmed and irritable and disconnected.
Prioritize
We’re going to look at step one, which is prioritize. As they say here, “I cannot emphasize this enough. We tend to think we’re good at figuring out our priorities, but the reality is that we end up overestimating how many events are truly that important.”
Where this applies
So this applies to hanging out with your friends. This applies to interacting here in The Homeschooler’s Chat’s Discord server. “This applies to your school, work, friends, people, anybody, you know, social obligations of any kind. You can sort into ‘this matters the most to me. This matters second most. This matters third most. And it’s okay if I don’t do this.'”
Using calendars
Step two is putting it on the calendar. So once you figure out what’s important to you, really put it on the calendar.
This article recommends viewing by month
“The key is to visualize it as monthly. This is because when we look at our calendar week by week, it can be easy to assume this is one week we’re busy and tell ourselves we’ll have time to unwind later in the month. We might end up saying yes to four different plans two Saturdays from today without even realizing it. So by putting all of your social events on a calendar and adding visibility into the future, you can better evaluate how and when you might be overdoing it.”
Flexible expectations
“Set up flexible expectations.” So, “not only is it super important to prioritize and calendar social activities, but also it’s essential that you set flexible expectations. So we’re all a bit socially rusty after COVID,” that’s when this article was written, “so some interactions might be a bit awkward. You might run out of things to say or ask or do, and so might other people. So make sure you create space for yourself to make room for things to be a bit different. It’s going to take time to get back into socializing.”
The versatility of this method
When I was reading this, even though this was talking about the specific COVID scenario, I found that it was pretty relevant for me when I’m trying to get out of a state of like a little bit of isolation, when I get really into a project or I get really, really caught up in something and then I have to start socializing again. It can be difficult and overwhelming.
Preparing for situations you can’t avoid
Maybe try to fit some self-care in ahead of time. For me, having time to rest before going to something like that when you know you’re going to be a little burnt out already is a big help. Whether that’s, you know, like taking a shower or spending some time reading a book you love or something like that, you can restore a little bit of that social energy before going.
Being sad around the holidays
Try writing “I feel ___” statements like to yourself, not just like for communicating with others, but actually writing down or just thinking about, you know, what is it that I’m feeling, you know, and when am I feeling it?
So, “I feel really fatigued and kind of burdened and stuff during the holidays, or I feel not great when it gets dark outside.” And then you can kind of start to tackle that one bit at a time and do some research about it. Do other people feel this way and what helps other people is a good place to start.
Ways to document your feelings
If writing doesn’t work for you, or you hate writing things down, voice memo it. We are living in the modern age. You can pick up your little voice memo app thing and be like, here’s how I’m feeling. That is journaling. It’s just about documenting. It doesn’t have to be necessarily visual. It can be auditory too. Drawing what you’re feeling is a really great idea as well.
Identifying your emotions
“Think of one-word answers that describe how you feel.” So if you’re trying to figure out how you’re feeling, you’re not sure about it, pause, “explain it like I’m five”, but to your own brain, right? How am I feeling?
“Doing this is a simple way to be aware of your emotions. So think of that one-word answer and notice what words come to mind. Does one feeling stand out or are there a few? You might even have opposite feelings at the same time.” For example, excited and nervous. That’s normal.
Excitement VS. Anxiety
Something I wanted to share with y’all real quick, excitement and anxiety. Again, I’m emphasizing here, I’m not a doctor, but excitement and anxiety, the brain responds the same way.
Not identical as far as I know, but you’re going to experience that like, “okay, the heart rate’s increasing. Okay. The adrenaline. Okay. I’m getting excited.” Or is it anxious? Because when you get anxious, you might feel, “okay, the heart rate’s increasing. Okay, I’m getting that adrenaline. Okay, I’m feeling anxious.”
So if you’re feeling really anxious, maybe before an event or before, you know, a social hangout or something, ask yourself, am I having anxiety or am I feeling excited? If you’re feeling anxiety and you’re sure about it, try telling yourself you’re excited.
You can lie to your brain
This is something I use as an emergency coping mechanism. It doesn’t work every time and it’s not a permanent solution, but if you have to like get up on stage to go start talking and you feel your body shaking and you’re really nervous, just be like, you know what? I am excited. I’m about to go out there and tell people this thing that I memorized to talk about. And it doesn’t fix it, but it can make it a lot better.
I use this constantly
So that’s a fun fact about anxiety and excitement. Don’t lie to your therapist, but lie about your brain. I was anxious before this event, but I told myself I was excited, and I really, I am, that’s authentic, I’m very excited to be sharing this with y’all, and reminding myself of that helped.
Being aware of your emotions matters
Being more aware of your emotions is a skill that can help you know yourself better. It can help you feel better about things and cope better and be less self-critical.
We’re going to look at these five ways to practice being more aware of your emotions.
Notice and name your feelings. Track one emotion. This is a really great one. So if you can detect an emotion, let’s say it’s overexcitement, stick with that. I mean think about the over excitement and back to that journaling aspect do a voice memo do a note anything tell your smart assistant like Alexa or Siri to make a note for you. Track that emotion.
Why tracking matters
So if you notice I’m really overexcited this morning, then you can be like, okay, that’s time one. If you feel like you’re really overexcited in the afternoon, that’s time two. Track it and become familiar with it and soon you may be able to detect it.
Explore language
Okay, step three is to learn new words for feelings. So how many feelings, how many feeling words can you name? Try to think of even more. How many words are there for angry? For example, you might be annoyed or upset or mad. You might be irate, fuming or outraged. Those are all different language to express how we’re feeling and it can help us process that.
Keep a feelings journal
Just take a few minutes each day to write about how you feel and why writing about your feelings helps you get to know them better. Make art, write poetry, take photos or videos, or compose music to express an emotion you feel like we talked about earlier. There are so many different ways to document what you’re doing and make yourself feel better and express that.
Familiarize yourself with others’ emotions
Try to notice feelings in art, songs, and movies. So focus on, you know, what is that character going through? What is, like, how would I explain this emotion of this song to someone else that can help you become more familiar? This can help you become more familiar with emotions in general and be able to pinpoint your own better.
An example
So if you were reading some really great book and you’re like, oh my gosh, I feel like Katie did in that book. There you go. That’s your definition right there. You can now use those words that you read in that book to define your experience.
Stepping out of your comfort zone
This is from BetterUp, which is something that I don’t understand. I have no idea why these people wrote this article at all, but I found it very helpful. So I’m not like promoting this brand or service or whatever it is. It just has some really great information.
What is the comfort zone?
“The comfort zone is a psychological state in which a person feels at ease because they’re not being tested. Inside the comfort zone, people don’t typically engage in new experiences or take on any challenges. They only participate in activities that are familiar, making them feel in control of their environment.”
“As comfortable as it seems, the safe bubble keeps people from personal growth and doing the things that they want to but don’t have the courage to do. For example, staying in an unfulfilling job for years leaves you feeling burnt out and disengaged, yet it’s become your comfort zone. You know you’re capable of more, but venturing out and challenging your boundaries scares you because it involves uncertainty.”
“In your comfort zone, everything’s predictable, which makes you feel safe. You know exactly what to expect when you take that same route to work every day or talk to the same people.”
The temptation of comfort.
“Even when we want to grow, the pull of the comfort zone is strong because it’s safe and easy. It’s natural for people to want to stay there. A fixed mindset. When you have a fixed mindset, you convince yourself that you don’t have the necessary skills to do or accomplish something. This makes you less motivated to look for opportunities to grow and learn new skills. This mentality keeps you stuck in the comfort zone as a way to avoid challenges and hardship.”
Fixed habits
“Successful behavioral change is difficult because our behavior is habitual. The more we repeat certain behaviors, the more we get stuck into fixed patterns. Lasting behavioral change starts with a strong willingness to change.”
Change up your routine
This says, when you push yourself too hard to get out of your comfort zone, then that’s scary, you know. But when it’s little bits of pushes, little motivations and little trying to step out a little bit at a time, then it goes pretty well.
Do one thing you’ve always wanted to
Even if it’s, “I’ve always wanted to go to the grocery store by myself.” Do it. That one’s a really good one too, by the way. I’ve used that one. It’s good.
Take on a fitness challenge.
It’s good to try physical activity and stuff. It really helps the brain get those endorphins and you’re happy. And it’s really great to make you feel motivated. Even if exercising makes you feel bad, consider this an opportunity to like go for a walk or try yoga. I know some people really hate yoga, but like just give it a chance. It’s okay. Or going for a walk is like, what if people are following me? That’s a struggle I have. So, you know, do whatever’s in your comfort zone, but just at the edge of it.
Have a “just do it” day
Have one day where you’re say, “today I’m going to do everything differently.” Or, “today I’m going to add something that I’ve never done before,” something like that. Mix it up a little bit. If every day you wake up and you, I don’t know, stay in bed for an hour, maybe instead try waking up and going outside or waking up and telling a friend, “like, hey, “we should hang out this weekend.” Try something that’s not normal and it’ll help you get more comfortable with things being outside of the norm in your life.
Change is very scary.
I agree, chat. It really is. And I hate it. I do the same thing every day. But I also try to pepper in new things when I’m ready. And it’s always nice because then at least you have something to talk about, right?
Expand your professional skill set.
That can include academics, you know, try a new subject or, I don’t know, maybe there was a subject you did in middle school or forever ago that you really hated. Just try doing it again. I mean, it can’t hurt, right? Why not revisit it? It’s all the psychological experience.
Choose fear and face it.
Consider taking a workshop or a class on something you love. That’s one of the best things about learning environments: you’re not supposed to know how to do the thing yet. You’re not supposed to be good at it. You’re supposed to be bad at it and then learn how to be good at it. So that could be an awesome opportunity.
Start small
Just have one moment where you tell yourself, “heck it.” Just do it, You know, have one small thing. Like, again, if it’s so simple as going to the grocery store by yourself or riding a bike somewhere or something like that, just tell yourself, you know, OK, fine, I’m going to be bad. I’m going to do it. And have your movie moment, you know, have your character arc, your cool person thing. Put your headphones in and feel like a super cool movie star.
Travel somewhere new
Okay, so if that’s accessible to you, do it. Go somewhere else. Do something that you’re not used to. And be that cool self. Be that best self. Just imagine, you know, this is fan fictional story about you. Act out that fan fiction about you. Just be yourself, but like if you had superpowers. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I do want to say, even though I’m being very silly about it, it really works. It really helps.
Fake it ’til you make it
Like I was talking before about lying to your brain, some of what I’m saying sounds like silly nonsense advice, but a lot of getting out of your comfort zone has to do with just kind of believing that you can. So I am trying to approach it genuinely while being silly. Lie to yourself a little bit about your ability and you’ll find out you can do it.
Set personal goals
Again, document your feelings and your goals. Like, make a video maybe if you don’t like writing things down or you don’t want to make art about it or whatever you don’t want to do. Just do a little video. Be like, “hey, future self from next month or next year, here are my goals and you can revisit this whenever you want to. And I hope that these are the things we’ve achieved by now.” And if not, to make a video about it for our future self. It can really work. Act like you have a blog. I mean, do it. Again, you are that person. You’re so cool. You’ve got this.
One step at a time
So as we mentioned earlier, leaving your comfort zone can seem like a difficult task. “Overthinking it and looking too far ahead can feel overwhelming, causing you to procrastinate. That’s why it’s crucial to take the first step and put one foot in front of the other. There will never be a right time to start.”
There is a sweet spot
There is something that’s too much and something that’s not enough. And if your risk tolerance is very low, start small. Again, I’m hyping this up. I’m trying to sound as fun and exciting as possible to get y’all enthused about it too. But it really is so hard to step out of your comfort zone.
Understand your limits
I mean, I used to have panic attacks before hosting game nights here every single time for months. I mean, it took me so long to be able to yap this much. It’s an acquired skill. There is a right amount to push yourself. If you need to start smaller so you’re not having those total freak out moments, do it. Go to the grocery store by yourself, y’all. You can do it.
Cultivate a positive mental attitude
That’s, “having compassion for yourself when you fail. Frame challenges as opportunities. Set ambitious goals. See each failure as a lesson and challenge negative beliefs and learn how to be optimistic,” which you can read all about on here if you want to.
Surround yourself with like-minds
Hang out with people who are also doing this or thinking the same way as you. This helps you stay on track with your goals and adds external validation for your achievements.
Talking to your parent(s) or guardian about your mental health
This is important for everyone. Even as an adult, sometimes you still got to talk to your parents or guardian about what’s going on. It’s good to have them as a support system if they’re there for you. And if not, stinky, stinky, stinky, stinky.
Plan what you want to say
So whether you are talking to them about your mental health, any kind of medical concern, social difficulty, if you’re being bullied, people are making you uncomfortable in your educational environment, anything, this applies. Plan what you want to say first.
Don’t overthink it
I personally will get in this mindset of overthinking it, where I think too deeply about wording. Try to do like a simple little outline of what you’d like to say, whether that’s again in text or audio format, however works best for you. You can even like make a recording, unless it’s stressful for you to make a recording and hear your own voice back to you. It can really help you think, “how would I respond if somebody said this to me? How would I help them?” So you can kind of make sure you’re conveying what you want to convey to your parents.
Writing a letter
If verbal is too hard for you at first, you can also write them a letter. This is best done when you can hand them the letter and hang out nearby while they read it. This way they can see your words without worrying about you if you’re not in the same space as them.
Find a private space to talk.
“Try to find a time and place where you can have some privacy away from any other family members or distractions. See if you can take a walk or sit outside together and ask everyone to leave their cell phones somewhere else during the conversation.’
Explain as clearly as you can
“Try to be as clear and specific as you can about what you’re experiencing and give them a chance to ask you questions.”
We are keeping in mind that not everybody’s parents are supportive. Not everybody’s parents are going to respond well. Some people’s parents will not believe you. But again, remember your circle of influence. What you can control is all that you can control.
Feeling overwhelmed or anxious
“It’s okay to pause and take some deep breaths and collect your thoughts. Try not to let your emotions get in the way of your ability to describe what is happening. Most importantly, don’t give up and walk away from the conversation. The more clearly you can describe what you’re going through, the more likely it is that they’ll be able to help you.” This is a great time to use the “I feel ___” statements we covered earlier.
Discuss possible next steps
“It’s okay not to have a plan for what comes next. You can’t be expected to [know]. Consider asking them if they have suggestions or even looking at online resources together to help everyone understand what you’re experiencing and for suggestions about how to find help.”
What if your parent/guardian is not supportive
Even if they’re not supportive, you still have a right to tell them what you’re experiencing. And you still have a right to try to kind of shove that information in their face. If they say, “You’re fine. You’re probably faking it,” You can say, “I understand that you feel that way. I’m still going to text you this article about what I’m experiencing,” or “I’m still going to tell my doctor about it.” Again, this only applies if you are in a safe place to respond this way. Sometimes it’s not safe. Some households suck. So take that with a grain of salt and apply it to your own situation.
Why parents/guardians may not respond well
Sometimes they don’t understand what’s happening. Maybe they didn’t grow up with that support themselves. Sometimes people can be coming from a place of having no information about it and just not understanding what you’re saying. So think about maybe that’s the situation for you. That doesn’t excuse a negative response, but it may help you to understand their background.
Continue the conversation
“Once you have a plan in place and have taken some steps to feel better, it’s important to continue talking about this. Maintaining an open, honest line of communication with your parent or guardian is crucial to them understanding that you may need more help or support, including making decisions about speaking to the family doctor or your pediatrician for recommendations.” Definitely keep checking in with, and even if you’re not doing this with a parent or a guardian, if you’re doing this with another adult family member that you trust, that you feel comfortable talking with, keep that line of communication open. It’s really, really important to make sure that it’s not something that gets a temporary solution and then gets forgotten.
What if they’re not supportive
“Even if you do your best to explain what you’re going through, there may be times when your parents or guardian don’t seem to understand or are not willing to help you get the support you need. This might be particularly true if they’ve never experienced mental health challenges themselves or don’t understand them. They may feel guilty or blame themselves for what you’re experiencing. They may be concerned about the cost of getting professional help. They may have issues trusting mental health care clinicians. They may believe that emotionally or physically or emotionally or mental health problems are not the same as physical health problems and should be dealt with privately and that they can be fixed through trying harder or prayer instead of professional treatment.”
Sometimes you do have to talk to your parents about like, I really appreciate you doing this one thing for me, but I also still need mental health care. You know, so it can be a combination of a lot of things maybe that your parents want to do to help you, and it’s good to try to aim for one of those things being mental health care.
Explain the effort you’ve put in.
This is a big one. “If they did not believe professional mental health care is necessary or helpful, you might start by letting them know that you have been trying to manage it on your own, but you’re still struggling. Ask if they’d be open to getting you more help in addition to the self-care or other techniques you have tried. Sometimes we need to take several approaches at once to get necessary emotional support.
Let them know that there are resources and affordable options.
“It can be hard to find affordable mental health care in some areas. Your parents or guardian might be worried about being able to pay for your care or not knowing how to find a doctor or therapist. It may be helpful to offer suggestions. Your school counselor, pediatrician, or other health care professional or faith leader may be able to suggest local resources. healthcare professional or faith leader may be able to suggest local resources.”
Talk to someone else in your family or network.
“If you’ve tried speaking to your parent or guardian but can’t seem to get through to them, try to think of someone else in your family or community who could take your side, either to support you directly or speak to your parent or guardian for you.”
“Is there someone else in your family, like an older sibling, grandparent, uncle, or aunt, who might be able to be more understanding? Is there a close family, friend, or faith leader you could talk to? It can be especially helpful if this person has also experienced mental health challenges and benefited from getting help. If you can’t think of anyone in your family or community, check if your school has a counselor or social worker.”
Online resources
Now, this might not apply to some of y’all, but there are online resources. There are, I mean, there are a lot of options. If you’re in online school, there may be options. If you do homeschool groups, there may be options. And there are a lot of free resources online. So that’s still worth considering, in my opinion.
How to bring in another trusted adult
“You can meet privately or speak with them and ask their advice. They may also be able to meet with your family or try to work out the differences in understanding. Even if none of these options seem to work, don’t give up. If you have access to a mobile device or computer, you can connect to free confidential text-based support through the Crisis Text Line. We love, love, love crisis text line. There are lots of other text-based support services too, which you can also find on our website.
Dealing with dysphoria
This article is less about making physical changes and more about dealing with the mental health aspects and dealing with how you’re feeling, because sometimes those physical options are not accessible. These are things you can do at home.
Focus on the things that you like about your body
This is not specific limited to people who have gender-related dysphoria. Sometimes we do not like our body, and that sucks, and we wish the brain wouldn’t do that. But these can apply to anybody and everybody, and a lot of these tips can be really versatile and cover a lot of different difficulties.
You can make a list of things you actually like about your body
Maybe you love the way that you shaped your nails. Maybe you love the way that, I don’t know, your hand looks when you do a certain pose with it or something. Those things count. Stuff like that is awesome, and it’s worth thinking about. You might really love your nose. Or hate your nose, but really love your ears. Write those things down. Even if it’s like, I love the silhouette of my arm or something, write that down or log it however you want to or do art about it. It’s really, really worth doing and it counts.
Doing arts and crafts
“A great way to zone out and focus your attention away from your dysphoria is to doodle or color. There are hundreds of different varieties of coloring books like Disney and cartoons and all kinds of other things, and it’s awesome.” Crocheting, woodworking, painting, building stuff, those are all great options.
Put on your favorite outfit or the outfit you feel you look best in
Wear it all the time. You look so good. Do it. Be happy. Be happy with it. Or you know what? Maybe you’re not happy. Maybe you need to feel like absolute crap, but still look like a total boss. Do that. Be sad in your favorite outfit. Be upset in your favorite outfit. Hate yourself in your favorite outfit because you’re still going to look good while you’re hating yourself. So that’s worth doing too.
Consume content from people who are comfortable in their own skin
You can watch videos, read blogs, listen to podcasts, etc., from people who have reached comfort in their bodies. “Sometimes dysphoria means we unfairly judge ourselves in comparison to other people, cis or trans. Rather than compare yourself to others, try to look at them for inspiration or a reminder of what you’re capable of. YouTube is a great place to find videos of all kinds of different people. Keep in mind not to compare their middle to your beginning. If they are farther along in their transition than you, if you’re trans, every trans person started their journey with feelings like yours.”
This applies to everyone
Cis-gender people, again, this still applies to you. You might feel like, “I really hate this thing about my body.” Or, “I’m really self-conscious about this thing about my body right now as I’m struggling with it.” You can still look at like other people have achieved this and that. Other people are able to get through this and other people are now doing this and living their life this way. And you can see a little glimpse into your own future, but you don’t have to compare it to where you are right now. You can look at it as inspiration. Imagine it’s like Pinterest, but human beings.
Allow yourself to feel
“Sometimes a good cry is exactly what we need to feel better. There’s nothing wrong with crying, screaming, or anything else that feels right in that moment, as long as it’s not hurting yourself or anyone else.” You can journal about it. Write it down, make a video about it. Do a Pinterest board about it. Seriously, there are so many ways you can express that and really dig into that feeling.
There is a limit where you need to kind of acknowledge like, am I spiraling if I’m getting too into my feelings? But there’s also a really healthy amount to let out and allow yourself to process. So definitely consider making something out of it that’s tangible. Even if it’s digital, something that you can be like, “this is how I’m feeling right now,” can be really helpful.
Meditate
Some people hate hearing this, but if you haven’t tried it or if you just tried it once or twice and it didn’t work for you, forget the whole thing about having to cross your legs, forget the whole thing about having to, you know, like sit a certain way or make a certain noise or say a certain thing.
Meditation can be something like listening to a calming podcast and trying to relax your body. Meditating can be like just staying still for a while and being aware. There are so many great meditation methods that don’t have to all be the same. Let it be tailored to who you are and what you need.
If staying still doesn’t work for you, you could consider getting into a meditative state of mind without the physical action of meditating. For me sometimes that looks like doing outdoor chores. I mean I’ll get tired after a while, but there’s a healthy amount for me of doing physical activities and allowing my brain to relax. Some people have that experience with working out. Some people have that experience with knitting,
There are so many ways to allow your brain to reach a state of calm
Your mind doesn’t have to be empty, it doesn’t have to be thoughtless, but it can be the experience of having a thought and letting it go. That might look like, “I really hate this thing about myself,” and then letting that thought go.
Do something nice for someone else
“There’s nothing better than making someone else smile, especially when you’re struggling to make yourself smile. Happiness really is contagious. Also, karma points for doing things for others.”
So true. It really does make you feel good to do things for others. If y’all ever need a place to do that, The Homeschooler’s Chat’s Discord server is a great place to start because every time you do something nice for somebody, you’re going to get hyped up for it. We see you and we appreciate you.
Affirmations
If you’ve not tried this and you’re feeling hesitant about it, the privacy of your own brain is a great place to start. “Whether you’re feeling dysphoric or not, start your day off with positive affirmations. Make a habit of this, beginning each day repeating your affirmations to set the tone of your day.”
Use the affirmations that feel right for you
You can make this as- oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m about to let this transcribe this. You can make this as “skibbity rizz Ohio” as you want to.
You don’t have to say “I’m beautiful inside and out.” You don’t have to say, “I’m enough.” You don’t have to say, “I’m worthy,” if that doesn’t work for you.
You can say, “I am the ultimate Sigma-whatever.” You can say, “I vibe so hard with myself because I’m a ‘girlboss’.” It’s the sentiment that counts. It doesn’t have to be any particular words.
Create a self-care box
You can use any container you like. The author of this article we’re looking at likes to use a Nike shoe box. It makes them smile because it reminds them of the feeling of opening up a new pair of sneakers. “You can decorate the box or design it however you like, and inside you can place items that will assist you in your self-care for moments of extreme anxiety or dysphoria.”
For example, this person has a book of crossword puzzles and little notes to themselves, stuff like that, and just really nice things that make you feel good. You can put anything you like in it, and that’s your box that you can open and have a burst of happiness.
Create a self-care journal or a gratitude journal
We have to mention journaling one more time. I love journaling. It really does help you kind of center more on what you have and the moment that you’re in, but not necessarily your body, but rather, you know, the other positive things going on. It can be a short entry or a long one, whatever feels right to you.
Supporting someone who has gone through a traumatic event
You can start by saying, “I heard about what you went through, what has happened. If you need to talk, I’m here.” Keep in mind that your limits and your boundaries are important. You can say something else if you aren’t able to take on someone else’s emotions. For example, “if you need to take your mind off of it and just hang out with somebody, please reach out.”
Worrying about coming across as nosy or intrusive
In my experience, when I’ve gone through hard things, it’s meant a lot to me when people have reached out and just said, “I’m aware and I want you to know I’m thinking about you.” That’s usually my go-to. I will say, “you know, “I became aware of this, I’m thinking about you.” I say that rather than, “I hope you’re okay,” when I know that they’re definitely not okay.
Wording options
You cans say, “I’m here,” “I know people who can help you through this,” “if you need a buddy to sit with you, I’m down.” You don’t have to go into it being willing to put yourself in a position that you’re not comfortable with. Even saying, “I’m thinking about you” is enough.
How do you know when you’re in the right place mentally to help someone else?
I approach these situations by first figuring out whether the content involved will be too personal for me. I know I can probably support someone if the things we’ll be talking about are not things that typically upset me. Not things that cause me to feel very depressed or panicked.
Saying “no”
If I need to say “no” to someone who is going through something difficult, I start with, “I really hate to hear that that’s happening to you. I am dealing with a lot right now as well. I hope we can spend some time together and recuperate once we get through these things,” or something like that. That gives them the opportunity to understand that you have your own stuff going on.
What if the other person is pushy?
If somebody’s trying to, for example, vent to you a lot, and you’re not in a place for that, honesty is the best policy. Just say, “again, I hate that this is happening to you. It’s really upsetting that you’re going through this and I can’t imagine how tough this must be for you. I’m just not in a place to be able to take that on right now.”
Saying “no” is not mean
Check out this article on how and when to say no. Here are some examples of clear, kind ways to decline from this article.
- Unfortunately, I’ll need to pass on this.
- I’m sorry, my friend, but I’m not able to.
- Sadly, I can’t.
- Thanks, but that’s not going to work for me.
- I’m not able to do that.
Setting boundaries with clingy people
Step one can be saying, “you know, hey, “I need some space.” That can sound aggressive sometimes in some context, so you can also try using those “I feel ___” statements. Try, “I feel overwhelmed right now. I need to be spending on other things.” Or, “I’m feel overwhelmed when we spend a lot of time together. I feel worried that it’s interfering with my ability to complete my other tasks or take care myself.”
It’s not easy
It’s going to be hard to separate from that kind of situation and turn it into a healthy one. Starting with “I feel ___” statements is great. There are some people that will be kind of pushy or aggressive about your boundaries, whether they mean to be or not. In those cases you might have to escalate your language a little bit. For example, “I’m not going to be available to text you after a certain time,” or, “I will not be checking my phone/Discord/Instagram regularly. You’ll have to wait to hear back from me.” Those types of boundary settings it can sometimes result in them being upset, but that is a pretty normal response for somebody that’s heavily attached to someone else.
Why “I feel ___” works in these cases
If this person is attached to you in to such a degree, you can reasonably assume that your mood impacts them. So saying, “I feel this way,” might make them be like, “oh, crap, this person that I care about is feeling this way. Maybe I’m not feeling great either. Maybe I’m also missing out on these things that I would like to be doing.” Whether they tell you or not, they might experience that and realize that too, and then subconsciously benefit or steer in the direction you’re going.
Start doing your own stuff
This applies to both people in these situations. Try saying, “this week we should try something new and then report back to each other about it.” This means you can still experience it as bonding. And it’s true, it is bonding, but you also get to do your own stuff. This can look like, “I think this week we should both go try something that we’ve always wanted to do,” like the getting out of your comfort zone thing we talked about earlier. Maybe you want to try going to a homeschool group. Maybe they want to try signing up for an art class. If that’s something that works for y’all, then you can report back at the end and talk about how it went for you both. You might hit a point where you’re both saying, “Wow, that’s so cool. We should keep doing that.” If you have a negative experience, you can still bond, but keep trying new things.
More mental health resources
This is the end of the transcript. Please note that while some of this is personal input from HSRC’s founder, Anne, the content in this article is not intended to be perceived as purely original. Much of this dialogue was read from these mental health resources. The Homeschooler’s Chat does not claim any rights to the content from those sources. For more mental health resources, check out our main mental health tools page.
This is not medical or legal advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing a health emergency, contact emergency services.
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